I know its been a week since my last post. Just haven't had the energy to post while dealing with Brendan's issues. He is still headbutting, hitting, kicking, and pushing me (and others but mainly me) and he thinks it's funny. But in the last two days, he isn't laughing when he acts like this. He is just plain mad at me.
When he gets in these moods, he is like a different child...as if another person, spirit or entity has taken over. I don't say this lightly as we have experienced something similar before. His irises literally turn a lighter shade of brown, and when I look into his eyes, it isn't him. I know this sounds very bizarre, but I was encouraged to mention it, because there may be others that are experiencing this and think they are imagining things too. What do you do? I pray ALOT!
This week has been tough. Not only are we challenged with his behaviors but also trying to get him to school on time continues. He doesn't fall asleep until almost mindnight (or later) then he can't get up in the morning. On some days last week, he didn't make it to school until after 11am! He is missing his school work, his therapy, and he is hitting the aides at school too. He's also trying to break his communication devices.
I know Brendan's Dad and I have gone through many times like this before, but somehow, I'm having a harder time dealing with it this time. Let me explain as I'm sure there are other parents with special kids who feel the same way.
From the moment your child wakes up, your stomach is in a knot because you don't know what mood they are going to be in mad? happy? sad? Are they going to hug you this morning or take a swing at you instead? You have to be constantly on guard. Your stomach is still in a knot when they are at school because you hope they are having a good day and are not giving the teacher and aides a hard time. Then when you are out in public (especially waiting in lines at the store) you pray that the line moves quickly because if it doesn't, your child may tantrum or possibly hit the person behind them (because they are standing too close)or hit you which is horrible for others to witness. Then you have to keep them busy the rest of the day or else they get into mischeif. It is not until your child is in bed (not just in bed, but asleep) can you finally....exhale....Then you have to finish up chores or finish work projects before you can pass out from sheer exhaustion. You head feels like it just hit the pillow and before you know it, you have to get up and do it all over again. I'm finding that I just don't want to get up in the morning. I'm trying to bounce back, but it's hard. My very dear friend stopped by with flowers on Friday because she said she knew I needed something to keep me going. She lives the same life I do with her two kids so she knows how hard the days can be at times. The flowers really did bring a smile to my face. Thank you R!
Some of you with typical kids may think, "Oh, all parents with children go through this (moods, tantrums, etc)"...trust me, walk in my shoes (or my friends shoes) for one day and you will see that it is not the same. The constant unpredictability is what is so exhausting. We love our children more then anything in the world. All we ask is for God to lighten our load a bit. And not for just a few months, but give us a few years! (sigh) I know...you just got to keep going and hope it all makes sense at the end. I am very grateful to Kathleen and Linda for not giving up. They keep me going...thank you both!
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